remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
