Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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