I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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