also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
