What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
