Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
