please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
