ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
