On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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