Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
