I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
