I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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