you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
