Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
