I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
