you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
