she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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