no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
