Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
