Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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