I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
