I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
