i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
