I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
