I just threw up on my dentist
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
