jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
