if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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