It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
