omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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