I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
