...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
