just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
