your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
