I'm laying in your front yard are you home
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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