I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
