It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
