nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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