my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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