fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
