Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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