I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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