I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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