singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
