I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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