When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
