I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
