and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
