How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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