I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
