After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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